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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A really long post ... about everything...

Just like the title says... A lot of you have been asking questions. Hopefully this will give you some insight on just what the heck is going on with me.

When I first moved into my apartment last year, I remember saying to myself: "Next year I'm either going to renew my lease or leave Phoenix." It was just a quick thought that came and went in passing.

As the months were passing by, I was getting increasingly unhappy in Phoenix. My happiest moments are when I with my family and friends. Five years ago I was so excited about my new hometown and my new life. Whenever I made trips home to visit, I would limit my stay to 3-4 days because I was always anxious to return to Phoenix. Now the shoe is in the other foot. I'm heartbroken when I have to be separated from my loved ones.

A few months ago, I've been going thru an emotional and reflective period. I truly started entertaining thoughts of leaving again. It was a hard decision to make. I belong in the Southwest. I really do. I'm weary of this decision because it means I have to start my life all over again. Relocate to another city, pack up my stuff, look for a job, (which is one of things I haaate doing in life. Next to sneezing & going to the bathroom), and basically start all over again. It's not something I look forward to. I really spent the last few weeks praying on it, making sure this was the best decision.

A short while later, I shared my feelings with E, who was not happy to hear this news. It was not his first time hearing me entertain thoughts of leaving Phoenix. In fact, every time I brought up the subject, he literally got upset. So I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I couldn't anymore. I felt a seed being planted inside of me and I had to share this with him. In conclusion, E gave me an ultimatum: Either stay in Phoenix or terminate our relationship. I had a few days to think about it. During those few days, I've received my rental renewal notice. The minute I saw that piece of paper, I knew exactly what my decision would be.

It wasn't an easy decision to make. Don't get me wrong, I love E. He's literally the best thing that happened to my life. Four and a half years together. Wow. Really at this point of our relationship, its either I want to spend the rest of my life with him or I don't. It's not that I didn't want be with him. I do. I'm not looking for a marriage. I'm not looking for kids. Neither was he. Besides for our fantastic friendship, I think that was another reason why our relationship thrived. There was no pressure. The only difference is this man does eventually want marriage and kids. I'm pretty sure I don't ever want it. I'm content being an Auntie with a long term boyfriend. E also refuses to uproot his life and leave his family & his business. All of those above factors made the break up decision a little bit easier to swallow.

I don't think the breakup has fully hit me yet. We no longer exchange daily phone calls and text messages. Now I only hear from him like 2, maybe 3 times a week. No more visits to his home. No more weekly appointments to watch our favorite show, Intervention. We still do occasionally have "date" nights. This weekend we're checking out a concert. Should be fun. Will be my first time seeing him since two weeks. I miss him. I do. Weekends are going to take some time to adjust to. To quote Marie from 'Harry Met Sally', "I had someone to do things with. I had a date on National Holidays!"

I am soooo looking forward to my next journey.

Like I said, it wasn't an easy decision. I love E, but I love my family & friends more. When I said friends, really, there's only 5 of them and those five people are my family. Us five are stuck with each other until our dying day. Never mind that my blood family hardly keeps in touch, sucks with communication, and somewhat falling apart at the seams. I can never replace them. There is a new generation of family breeding. My four nieces and nephews. It breaks my heart that I only see them once a year.

So, I'm leaving. Now, don't get it twisted, I'm not returning to Buffalo. The goal is to be no more than an 8 hour drive from the family. The DMV, PA, & NJ states are pretty much my top choices. I've also made it clear a few months ago that I was unhappy being a travel agent. I'm still conflicted about that one. I love travel. It is my passion. There's gotta be a way for me to serve clients, be happy, and still make a comfortable living. I'm still figuring that one out. I'm also open to exploring my other dream career: Event Planning. It will be a Super Mario Donkey Kong sized bonus if I can find a job that combines both.

These next few weeks, I'm just making the best of my remaining Phoenix life. I'm trying to schedule as much quality time with local friends that I can. I got my bucket list that I'm working on. I gotta start selling my furniture. I'm thinking of renting an SUV and drive across country to my new home. Whatever fits in the SUV comes with me. The rest is sold or tossed.

July 29th. That my apartment vacate date. I'm not going to lie. I'm scared. Especially if I cannot find a job by then. I'm really trying not to worry. I'm just praying. Sending out resumes. Tapping into my network. Leaving the rest up to God. I'm remaining positive. Five years ago, nothing but death was going to stop me from getting to Phoenix. So basically, this year is 2005 all over again. On this note, I'll leave you with another scene from one of my favorite movies:

"Nothing but death will keep me from it!"


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